Sunday, November 20, 2005

Disaster in Los Angeles

I'm reposting this LOL-worthy "news story" from a couple of months ago. It was suggested that since I live in the area, a man-on-the-street eyewitness view of the situation would be useful... so the addition at the end is mine:

No electricity for 26 minutes. 'This is our Tsunami.'

By Joshua Gates. Actor. Photographer. Victim.

LOS ANGELES, CA, September 12, 2005 - Horror and disbelief swept through the greater Hollywood area this afternoon as a minor power-outage turned the city into a virtual war zone and local residents struggled to deal with the devastating aftermath.

The outage struck at 1:35 PM, during L.A.'s busy afternoon coffee and Pilates rush hour. Traffic lights fell dark, local gyms and sushi restaurants were without power for nearly 30 minutes, and many businesses were illuminated only by the light of the sun and its blistering 78 degree heat. "It was horrible," said out of work actor and voice-over artist Rick Shea. "I was in a Jamba Juice on Melrose when it hit and the blenders simply shut down. A woman lunged for my Berry Lime Sublime and after that, well, it got pretty ugly."

In the ensuing panic, local radio stations broadcasted conflicting reports as to exactly which local businesses would be offering relief supplies. Almost 100 people flocked to the Starbucks at Santa Monica and La Brea only to find helpless baristas, no hot coffee, and a totally meager selection of baked goods. "My mother is 83 years old and we heard on the radio that this Starbucks was going to be up and running. If she doesn't get a venti Arabian Mocha Sanani, I don't know what's going to happen to her, I really don't." said Lucinda Merino of Los Feliz. To make matters worse, those few people who did manage to get coffee were further thwarted by a total lack of artificial sweeteners on site.

"Sugar in the Raw? Are you frigging kidding me?" sobbed local homosexual and avid salsa dancer Enrique Santoro. "I'm on the South Beach Diet and my insulin levels are going to go crazy if I use this. Why isn't the rest of the country doing something?"

Deteriorating conditions will force authorities to evacuate the thousands of people at local Quiznos, movie theaters, and upscale shopping centers, including the The Beverly Center, where a policeman told CNN unrest was escalating. The officer expressed concern that the situation could worsen overnight after patrons defaced multiple "So You Think you Can Dance" posters, looted a Baby Gap, and demanded free makeovers en masse at a MAC cosmetics store during the afternoon.

At least 2,000 refugees, a majority of them beautiful, will travel in a limo convoy to Beverly Hills starting this evening and will be sheltered at the 8-year-old Spago on North Canon where soft omelettes with confit bacon and Hudson Valley foie gras was being airlifted in by The National Guard.

Honorary Mayor of Hollywood Johnny Grant told a group of embedded reporters at a Koo Koo Roo Chicken restaurant on Larchmont that, "the scope and scale of this disaster is almost too much to comprehend. Local carwashes are at a stand-still, the tram tour at Universal Studios has been on hold for almost an hour now and I've been waiting for a rotisserie leg and thigh with a side of greens beans for upwards of 15 minutes. This truly is our Tsunami."

"We want to accommodate those people suffering in the Beverly Center as quickly as possible for the simple reason they have been through a horrible ordeal," Grant said.

"We need water. We need edamame. We need low-carb bread," said Martha Owens, 49, who was one of the thousands trapped in the Beverly Center when the escalators stopped moving. "They need to start sending somebody through here."

Along miles of coastline, the power simply surged, causing writers to lose upwards of a page of original screenplay material, causing Direct TV service to work only intermittently, and forcing local residents to walk outside and look helplessly at the Pacific from their ocean view decks. "I can hardly begin to put this experience into words," said longtime 'Two and a Half Men' writer John Edlestein. "I was just getting into my rhythm and making some real headway on a scene where Charlie Sheen parties with a busload of female volleyball players when my Power Book crapped out. I have nothing. Simply, nothing."

Delivering his weekly radio address live from the White House, President Bush announced he was deploying more than 7,000 additional active-duty troops to the region. He comforted victims and praised relief workers. "But despite their best efforts, the magnitude of responding to a crisis over a disaster area this sunny and trendy has created tremendous problems," he said. "The result is that many of our citizens simply are not getting the help they need, especially in the Hollywood Hills, and that is unacceptable."

To add to the disaster Governor Schwartznegger was heard to say "I'm glad I'm in Sacramento," and Mayor Hahn hasn't been seen or heard from in three years......I think his name is Hahn?!?

Newscaster "Jim" called on me for an eyewitness report:

Well, Jim, reports from the ground are still sporatic. As you can see from the people milling around behind me, the scene here at this Home Depot is one of unbridled chaos. A text-message phone cascade fueled a rumor that the electricity was actually still on, but all of the lightbulbs in everyone's house had simultaneously burned out.

Friends and Family converged, first at the local Rite-Aids and Ralphses but creditcard readers were on the fritz and panic ensued as thousands of Angelenos made their way through streets -- uncontrolled by traffic signals -- to ever larger home-products stores. [empty Avian water bottle flies across the view] Hey! knock it off! [shakes fist] That five cent CALIFORNIA REFUND VALUE could save your life some day!

[sticks microphone out to bystander]
How are you coping with the disaster?

[bystander puts down surfboard in order to gesticulate toward hair] Dude! Just check it out!

[gasps] Sweet Mary on a GutBuster 2000®!! The hair dryer must have shut off mid-cycle! Your do is in an awful state!

[another man steps into view, proffering business card] I'm a lawyer, maybe I can help [they walk off, arm in arm, lawyer making reassuring sounds] ...permanent damage... ...looking at maybe 1.5 mil there...

Jim, I'm just getting word about a major problem developing at a local arcade [puts finger to ear,nodss] uh hum... [grimaces, then looks horrified] Pope in a Popsicle!! Really??? Is that Confirmed???? [looks back at the camera] I'm sorry to report that a local youth has been hospitalized when the Dance-Dance -Revolution machine stopped suddenly. His feet will not move... some sort of paralysis... no wait... [finger to ear again] One of the ambulance crew is humming the disco remix of Puff the Magic Dragon and the boy appears to be coming out of it. Well, that's Good News!

[finger to ear again] Now I'm hearing that the orderly evacuation of the city has been stalled... something about the freeways... there is a HUGE line of cars and SUVs filling all seventeen lanes of the northbound 405 and not moving at all..., another hybrid driver in the carpool lane has been shot dead..., and a mudslide is covering a section of PCH... Can we get a live shot of that, Jim, from the Channel Five Eyewitness News Eye-in-the-Sky NewsCopter Seven Featuring Weather Babe Joanna Banes in Revealing Lingerie?... [grimaces. whispers:] Well Christ on a Crutch! Just cut to some archival footage of the same thing last week! Do I need to tell you everything?

Oh! The humanity! Back to you, Jim.


Post a Comment

<< Home